Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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