This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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