My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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