He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
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It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
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It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize