I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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