Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
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I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
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she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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