The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
