I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
