Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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