drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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