How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Pooping to opera.
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