and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
We are all done wearing pants today
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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