I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
