Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You left your phone here
Wait...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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