Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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