He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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