I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
