Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
