you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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