Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
