Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
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Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
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