I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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