The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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