Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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