he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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