someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize
