I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
