I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
