In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
