there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
