well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
