I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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