I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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