god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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