i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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