i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
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I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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