it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
