can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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