Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
nutella sex= disaster
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
