They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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