Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Dear god my vagina.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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