The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
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I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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