So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
