Your mouth is God's brothel.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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