I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
