She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
