You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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