the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine