my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
