The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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