John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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