I wish I could teleport
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
