I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
