Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
