I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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