If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Randomize
